New Beginnings 2017

For the past 10 years of my life I have been fighting a battle with Anorexia. If you are looking for the “Look how I overcame this! I believe I am beautiful now because I overcame this!” type post, that’s not what it’s going to be today. I have every hope that I will be there someday but right now, in this phase of treatment – I know I have miles to go. But at least I know where the road is now. I am going to go ahead and address the questions and statements some of you are making right now…
No, this is not just “click bait” and this is not something that I am writing for attention. Even though I know unfortunately it will get me some.
I am aware that at this moment I don’t “look anorexic” or I’m “not even that skinny” – but anorexia is not as much about weight as you may think. It’s a real (sometimes) genetic mental illness that causes an obsession with food/weight in an unhealthy and sometimes fatal way.
I am also aware that I am not the first girl in the world to battle with Anorexia, and I will most certainly not be the last. This post, is for me. After finally seeking therapy after 10+ years, this is me telling myself my story.
Anorexia recovery is not as easy as “eating a burger” or “Just eat something!” – it is a mental illness that will take years to over come but for the first time I am admitting to myself, to you, and to most of my friends and family, that I am officially in recovery and trying, fighting, for the life that I want not the life that an eating disorder wants me to have.
I could tell you the details about the ups and downs of my eating disorder, and you will indeed get some of them in this post, but why I am writing this post is for two reasons,
1. To hopefully open your eyes to seeing others and yourself in values that are more than looks. I am guilty of this, absolutely as I think we all are. But maybe instead of seeing weight, we can see other values in ourselves and others.
2. People go through more in their heads than you realize. This post may be a shock to a lot of my closest friends, and a lot of my family I was so private about it for TEN years. So be gracious to every single soul. You (or I) have no idea the battles that are fought after the lights go out, and the rest of the world goes to sleep.

In my therapy, I have been heavily focused on who I am. Not who I am on Instagram, or YouTube, or the girl that all of you see every day. On who I really am. What do I value? How do I want other people to know me? Is me being giving up my health, my spirit and personality to be thin adding to that person that I really want to be? The answer is no, me being thin has nothing to do with it.
The thing about Anorexia is it takes away everything that makes you, you. For me personally, I would go through very tough months were my weight was dangerously low and my habits were unstoppable. In those months, I would distance myself from basically everyone. Distancing myself meant that I didn’t have to eat meals with anyone, I didn’t have to come up with an excuse of why I “didn’t like my meal,” I didn’t have to give up my extra hours in the gym. I gave it all to my eating disorder. You know where that got me? Lonely. It was me and my eating disorder night after night celebrating the day, and how I got away with only a couple hundred calories. My eating disorder has made me miss out on some of the moments I should have had forever. I lost time with friends I can never get back. The time I spent on growing my eating disorder could have been time spent being creative or doing something worthwhile.

I was never “sick” enough. Even when I couldn’t catch my breath because my heartbeat had become irregular. Even though I could count my chest bones, and was down to 94 pounds. Even when my mom and Megan begged me to get help and change, I still wasn’t ever sick enough to recover. But that is what anorexia does. It doesn’t make you think you are “sick” enough until you are dead.
I decided that I owe it to my future self, the happy, light giving, creative giggly person I want to be to recover. I decided I owe it to my future children, that this is my one body that will maybe one day have the miraculous power to create another human life – to be the most healthy it can be. I owe it to Megan, my Mom, and anyone who cares about me to stay alive, and live a life that has beauty and meaning in ways that go far beyond weight, Instagram followers, attention, and even my career as an entertainer.
I am not recovered, and from everything that I have read and researched, I may never be. Anorexia is a lifetime mental illness that will come in waves and pull my back in. I get anxious when people talk about diets. I get anxious when I see pictures of myself at my new healthy weight. I cry when the clothes I bought at my lowest weight don’t fit anymore. I don’t comment on my food or my weight when I am with other people, and I have told my closest friends not to around me either. It is up to me to fight to the surface and remember why I am valuable on this Earth. And spoiler alert – it has nothing to do with my weight.

If any of you reading this feel like you may have an eating disorder but feel you aren’t ready to get help, take my advice and go get help. Every meal you skip, or mistreatment of your body is one damaging step that may not be reversible. You are worthy of a life that is so full and memorable, bright and delicious. Anorexia is a real mental illness. Eating disorders are extremely common and unfortunately extremely underplayed. Your body was made for so much more than to “look good in clothes,” or to get attention. Your body is a vessel for your beautiful, passionate, unique soul.

xo, Liz

22 thoughts on “New Beginnings 2017

  • Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.!!

    Thank you for sharing, its hard isn’t? With this mental illness you’re so secretive and you hide it but when its all out in the open, the reality hits you. I’m still not recovered from my battle, but with the right support I’m getting there and you will to. I relate 100% to what you said, about being lonely and distancing yourself from everyone I did it too, I still do. Relapses will happen babes and that’s okay. I just wanted you to know.

    You’re an inspiration Liz! You’re amazing.
    Thank you.
    Much Love ALWAYS!
    Em xxxx

  • I’m so proud of you for seeking treatment and working through all of this! I know how hard it can be. I’m recovering now and I feel so happy and free. Obviously I still go through times when it starts to get bad, but having my family and friends around me helps so much now. They help me fight my battle. I hope one day you can find someone or something that helps quiet the voice in your head too. Like Taylor Swift once said, “It gets easier, and then it gets okay, and then it feels like freedom.” Be proud of how far you’ve come and how far you’re going to go. 💕💕💕

  • Thank you for sharing your struggles. Sending you so much love as you push forward, fighting for yourself. You are worth it!!! Remember that. ❤

  • I’ve followed you and Megan for years and I have such a weird connection to you guys and to see you grow up and become who you are now is amazing. I’m so proud of what you’re doing esp telling everybody because that’s something I always struggle with. I’m happy to see you as happy with yourself as you are now and really hope you get through all this! You’re beautiful no matter what lol this sounds so cheesy but like you’re so perfect Liz 2017 is your year girl go get em

  • Hi there!

    I just want to say thank you for being brave about this and also for saying that eating disorders are a mental illness. I feel like oftentimes, they are dismissed and not viewed as legitimate illnesses but they totally are. I’m a junior music therapy major at my college in Nashville and i had the opportunity to work with adolescents with eating disorders in a Behavioral Health hospital and it was amazing to see just a small part of their recovery processes.

    I wish you nothing but the best during your time in treatment and beyond!

  • Liz, I just want to say good for you, and that it takes so much courage to admit that there’s something wrong and to do something about it let alone talk about it. I hope that no one says anything rude about this post because this is such an important message, and one that needs to be heard without any spite or hatred from others. I don’t have an eating disorder but I have a terrible anxiety disorder that, as you described, takes up your mind and will never fully go away. I kept it a secret for a long time before realizing I needed help (it was causing me to become really sick and solitary). So I know that realizing that you have a problem and talking about it is one of the hardest things you can do, but I do promise that it gets better with time. I’ve found that sometimes it even helps me to discuss it with people especially those who struggle as well. Your disorder and my disorder are not jokes, they aren’t made up, and they aren’t something we can turn off. Cheers to you for battling this and standing up to your disorder. Always choose to be a survivor.
    Xoxo
    -Elizabeth

  • We’ve met in Philly and NJ a few times (with my girlfriend Sarah!) and while I don’t expect you to remember me, I want you to know that meeting you had an effect on me. I’m so proud of you and how far you’ve come, both personally and professionally. I thank you for that, and for this post. Have a wonderful new year and I hope one day we can meet again! I’m thinking about coming to Nashville for the solar eclipse in August so maybe I’ll see you then! Best wishes. 🙂

  • I’ve been following you for a few years now and I have to say that I’m very proud of you Liz!
    And personally, I know how hard it is to admit to yourself that you struggle with something as severe as an eating disorder. I know that it can result in giving up certain qualities of life and lead to social isolation.

    It might sound extremely selfish but it helps me to be aware of your struggle with anorexia as I’ve always compared my body to yours – which is the worst thing one can do, especially when fighting an eating disorder or anything comparable – and therefore always wondered how you could be so skinny. Having an unhealthy obsession with weight and then seeing someone very thin, makes you feel crappy about yourself and often makes you want to lose even more weight. Particularly when you automatically assume that the person you compare yourself to is naturally this skinny, which sometimes is even true.
    This might not make sense for most people but maybe you do understand what I mean.

    The problem is that I almost immediately was and still am conscious of my own problem but anyone actual confrontation (only my parents and maybe one or two doctors really are informed) just led to me distancing myself again and feeling overchallenged. And whenever my mother starts talking about it when someone else (primarily a doctor) is around, my eyes well up with tears.
    Therefore after doing plenty of research I finally thought that going plant-based might help however my mother now worries about me just going from one malnutrition to another. Is that why you started having a vegan diet yourself?

    I’m sorry for telling you all this and nevertheless I could go on and on . I simply feel like I can trust you and that you understand me, especially as you didn’t really tell anyone either for such a long time. And I guess that there’s no way around getting help and that I have to do so myself at some point as well.

    Forever staying by your side (even though that’s geographically impossible 😉) and supporting you,
    x Lara C

  • You are so absolutely brave to post this, especially being a public figure. You are absolutely wonderful and great and recovery IS possible. I spent years wasting away with anorexia and I spent 2 years in and out of treatment – hospitals, feeding tubes, residential, and partial hospitals. Hundreds of doctors appointments a week and therapy sessions. “If you aren’t recovering from an eating disorder you’re dying from one” sorry for rambling; I think it’s wonderful when genuine people post things like this and are fighting the good fight for themselves. You deserve recovery and I cannot wait to watch you become the best version of yourself you can be! Please never ever give up on yourself. The worst days in recovery are a million times better than the best days in the eating disorder! 💜

  • Dear Liz, I am so proud of you for admitting this to yourself and to all the people who care about you so much. I have been a huge fan of you and Megan for nearly 9 years and you both inspire me. I am very active on your instagram and twitter accounts and am always here if you want an outside person to talk to. My phone number is (603)-233-4332 and my email is Georgicarney12@gmail.com. Thank you for being one of my biggest inspirations and for being a great role model. Xo- Georgi❤️

  • Hi, Liz!!
    Thank you for sharing your story with anorexia. I, too, have struggled with body image issues and a (possible) eating disorder. I don’t know if I would classify myself as anorexic, but I have given myself very small portions of food and at times skipped meals in the past. I know that it’s unhealthy, but I still continue to do it. Thank you for shedding light on such a serious topic that many people are afraid to talk about. Keep on fighting and don’t forget your worth!! <3

  • I’ve been following you guys for like 8years, watching you become great young women and I know how hard it must have been to admit that you are sick but also to take the huge step of entereing therapy and starting trratment. I do not know the real you, but I know that if I can have chills reading this and feeling so much ampathy, it is truly because I understand the courage it took you to accept to treat yourself. I have had mental health issues for 13 years of my life and have only just started treatment this year too. Difficult but so worth it. I am no close to you, just a random french follower who wants to tell you that yes it is always gonna be a struggle, yes there will be times when you’ll feel like treatment is bullshit but I trust you to trust yourself and surround yourself with positive people who understand and will be there. You are so strong and BRAVE. You will win this battle with yourself and find ways to shut down the anorexia even if it wont leave you. In the end you are the winner and you have control. Never forget that.
    Lots of love from France
    Clata xxx

  • Tears. So proud of you for getting the help and treatment you need. Please know, no matter what you read, Anorexia IS something you can overcome, i’ve seen it happen in the eyes of my loved ones. Keep on fighting and have faith, I promise, you’ll get there.

    I love you, stay strong as hell. Your ‘healthy weight’ is BEAUTIFUL.

  • Thank you for sharing this with me liz, I’m trying to fight against anorexia, and I know how difficult it is, sometimes I stop enjoying the moments because I’m counting calories, and regulating my weight, it makes me sick and sad enough to cry, Thank you for the words
    It would mean a lot if you followed me on twitter @moni_rr5 and on my instagram @moni_nyc or send me a email, is good to have a friend to talk

    You are beautiful inside and outside
    Xoxo moni

  • I also had/have anorexia you speak to ne from My Soul!!! I’ve been following Megan and You since i was 10. I’m 16 now..
    Thank you for this understanding post Liz❤❤

    • I also had/have anorexia.. I mean.. I have a healthy weight now but the mental part makes up so much.
      You speak to me from the Soul!!! I’ve been following Megan and You since i was 10. I’m 16 now..
      Thank you for this understanding post Liz❤❤

  • So sad to hear about your struggles, but so thankful for your openness. ❤❤❤ Sending you love and prayers on this journey! Life is hard but God is good.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *